Unraveling the Chains: Understanding Trauma Bonding and How It Keeps Us Stuck

Not all attachments are healthy—and some are built in the most painful places.

Trauma bonding is a pattern that forms when someone becomes emotionally tied to a person who’s hurting them. It can happen in abusive relationships, toxic family dynamics, or any situation where fear, confusion, and affection all get tangled together. The result? A deep, confusing bond that makes it hard to leave—even when you know you should.

If you've ever wondered why someone stays, or why you can’t seem to walk away, this might be the missing piece.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding happens when abuse is mixed with moments of love, kindness, or “making up.” That unpredictable mix creates a strong emotional attachment, reinforced by a cycle that looks something like this:

• Idealization: The person treats you like gold. There are compliments, gifts, promises. It feels like real love.

• Devaluation: Suddenly, the mood shifts. You're criticized, ignored, manipulated—or worse.

• Repetition: After the pain comes apology or affection again. You’re pulled back in, hoping this time it’ll change.

This emotional rollercoaster builds a powerful connection. It’s not weakness—it’s a survival response to a situation that feels both dangerous and comforting at the same time.

Why Trauma Bonds Are So Hard to Break

People caught in trauma bonds often:

• Feel attached to someone who repeatedly causes harm

• Make excuses for behavior they’d never accept from anyone else

• Struggle with self-blame, anxiety, or depression

• Isolate from friends or family who "don’t understand"

These aren’t just red flags—they’re signs of deep emotional entanglement that needs care, not shame.

Check In With Yourself

Here are a few questions to ask:

• Do I feel loyal to someone who mistreats me?

• Do I downplay their behavior because I “know their heart”?

• Do I feel addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship?

• Have I tried to leave more than once, but always go back?

If you’re nodding your head, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Many women feel this way. You can take the first step by visiting tiffinynewton.com and using the free self-assessment checklist to reflect on your experience.

How to Start Breaking the Bond

It won’t happen overnight, but it can happen. Healing starts with small steps:

1. Learn the Patterns
Understanding what trauma bonding is can make the fog start to lift. My book, Behind the Smile: The Unseen Signs of Emotional Abuse, was written for this very reason—to help you spot the signs and take back your power.

2. Get Support
Whether it’s a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group, talking to someone who sees the full picture is a game changer. You don’t have to figure this out on your own.

3. Build Boundaries
It’s okay to say no. To take space. To stop responding. Boundaries are your lifeline, not punishment. They create the breathing room you need to see things clearly.

4. Create a Safe Exit Plan
If you’re ready to leave—or even just thinking about it—visit IgniteHer.org for tools like the Empowered Exit Plan and local resources. We offer workshops, one-on-one support, and practical steps to help you prepare.

Final Thoughts

Trauma bonding doesn’t make you weak—it means your nervous system adapted to survive a painful situation. But survival isn’t where the story has to end. You can learn to recognize the patterns, set yourself free, and start over on your own terms.

If this post resonated with you or someone you care about, I invite you to explore more tools, read Behind the Smile, and join our mission to empower women through safety, education, and healing.

📚 Grab the Book
Behind the Smile: The Unseen Signs of Emotional Abuse is available now. Every purchase helps fund local workshops and care kits for survivors in Pinellas and Hillsborough County.

💜 Need support now?
Visit igniteher.org for safe exit tips, workshop info, and national resources.