Strangulation and Surveillance Abuse: The Silent Killers in Domestic Violence
Strangulation and Surveillance Abuse Are Not Kinks — They’re Killers in Disguise
There’s a disturbing shift happening in the way abuse is being talked about—and it's not coming from where you might expect. It’s coming from social media trends. From trending sounds, viral phrases, and TikTok slang that masks very real violence.
Let’s talk about one of the most dangerous of them all: the term “5 finger necklace.”
It sounds cute. Edgy. Even funny—until you understand what it actually means.
“5 finger necklace” is code for being choked. Strangled. Controlled. It’s being tossed around like it’s flirtation, intimacy, or passion.
But here’s the truth:
Strangulation isn’t sexy. It’s not love. It’s not just a kink.
It’s a lethal warning sign.
What Strangulation Really Means in a Relationship
Strangulation is one of the most terrifying forms of abuse because it often comes without warning—and with fatal consequences. According to the Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention, victims who have been strangled by their partner are 750% more likely to be killed by them.
That’s not a typo.
Seven. Hundred. Fifty. Percent.
Even if it only lasted a few seconds.
Even if you didn’t lose consciousness.
Even if they “didn’t mean it.”
Strangulation is a form of power-based violence, and it’s rarely the first sign something’s wrong. It usually follows a long line of control tactics—and one of the most common and overlooked is surveillance abuse.
What Is Surveillance Abuse?
Surveillance abuse is when someone watches, tracks, monitors, or invades your privacy as a form of control. It’s not about love—it’s about ownership.
It can look like:
Forcing you to share your location “for safety”
Installing cameras in your home or car
Going through your phone, texts, or social media accounts
Making you FaceTime to “prove” where you are
Logging into your banking apps or financial accounts
Demanding passwords under the guise of “transparency”
Surveillance abuse slowly chips away at your independence until your life is no longer your own.
When you're constantly watched, you begin to change the way you speak, dress, walk, move… just to keep the peace.
You shrink yourself to avoid setting off a landmine.
You feel like a prisoner in your own body.
And when someone already has control over your movements, thoughts, and finances—physical violence doesn’t start the abuse. It escalates it.
When Strangulation Becomes the Turning Point
By the time someone puts their hands around your neck, they’ve already built a world where you’re isolated, monitored, dependent, and emotionally worn down.
Strangulation isn’t a random outburst.
It’s often the final stage of coercive control.
And it sends a loud, clear message:
“I can take your life at any moment. And no one would know.”
Too many women don’t survive that moment.
Too many others downplay it because it “only happened once.”
Or because they didn’t lose consciousness.
Or because he cried afterward.
I know this because I’ve lived the cycle.
And it nearly destroyed me.
Why We Can’t Stay Silent About These Trends
When society turns violence into a joke, a kink, or a viral soundbite—it desensitizes people to the real danger.
Girls growing up with these trends are being conditioned to expect harm and call it love.
Let’s be clear:
Strangulation is not foreplay.
Surveillance is not love.
Coercive control is not “high standards.”
And your intuition telling you something feels wrong?
That’s not overreacting. That’s survival.
My Story—and Why I Wrote Behind the Smile
For years, I was that woman smiling in public while breaking down in silence.
I lived through the love bombing.
I justified the control.
I forgave the violence… until I couldn’t anymore.
I wrote Behind the Smile to tell the truth I wish someone had told me. To give language to the pain that doesn’t always leave bruises. To help other women realize:
You don’t have to wait until it gets worse.
You don’t have to prove it’s bad enough.
You are allowed to leave the first time it feels wrong.
What You Can Do If This Feels Familiar
Take it seriously. Even “just once” is once too many.
Talk to someone you trust. Secrets keep you stuck.
Start planning—quietly, safely. Reach out to a local DV advocate, or call 1-800-799-7233.
Visit tiffinynewton.com to read Behind the Smile, find red flag education, and connect with resources.
Protect your story. You don’t owe anyone your trauma—but you owe yourself freedom.
Final Word: You're Not Crazy. You're Waking Up.
If you're reading this and feeling that lump in your throat…
If your hands are shaking or your heart is racing…
If you’ve minimized what happened to you…
Let me say this loud and clear:
You are not crazy.
You are not too sensitive.
You are not dramatic.
You are likely being manipulated.
And you deserve so much more than surviving.
📖 Ready to Take the Next Step?
✨ Read my story in Behind the Smile
🔗 Visit igniteher.org for tools, support, and to connect
📣 Share this post if it might help someone else recognize the warning signs
Your voice matters.
Your safety matters.
Your life matters.
And you are not alone.
— Tiffiny Newton
Author | Advocate | Survivor
